As the NFL Turns: Will somebody please show mercy and end this soap opera of a preseason

‘Kiss da baby’ to this NFL preseason

Do his teammates like him? Do they really, really like him?

Brett Favre insists it doesn’t matter, and that everything will be all right. Besides, with his 12th retirement only two years away now, he’s a little too old to play the popularity game anyway.

At least the rest of the Minnesota Vikings know where things stand. They came to camp thinking the silliness was over, until that fateful day when they saw their coach return from the airport with No. 4 in the passenger seat beside him.

It’s a marriage of convenience, this strange alliance between a team all cheeseheads grow up to hate, and the old, grizzled gunslinger who will take their snaps under center. But that hasn’t stopped Viking fans from gobbling up purple Favre jerseys faster than a plate of fried walleye sandwiches.

The jersey situation is a bit more complicated in Philadelphia, where the country’s most famous animal abuser now plays for the Philadelphia Eagles. One sporting goods chain is waiting to see whether to sell a green No. 7, scared perhaps that the fur will begin to fly, but others were more than happy to risk the ire of dog lovers if they could make a buck off it.

Quarterback controversies are nothing new to the preseason, though most have more to do with playing time than prison time. There are still several going on even now, including one in Cleveland where Bill Belichick wannabe Eric Mangini insists on letting Brady Quinn and Derek Anderson twist in the wind.

Doesn’t really matter because Las Vegas oddsmakers have already established that the Browns will be a lousy team whoever is running the offense. But it’s Mangini’s first year in Cleveland, and he’ll spend most of it reminding everyone that he is in charge.

Some things even head coaches can’t control, though. Especially when it comes to this preseason, when each day brings a new plot twist to the latest episode of As the NFL Turns.

So, here’s what inquiring minds still want to know:

—Will Favre find happiness in purple? He’s already happy, thanks to the huge contract the desperate Vikings threw at him. But what does he have to lose as long as he only has to throw short passes and hand the ball off to Adrian Peterson? Better yet, he gets to do most of it indoors — and where fans are always Minnesota nice.

—Will Vick be loved in the City of Brotherly Love? Sure, until he dogs it the first time.

—Will anyone show up at the Meadowlands wearing a Plaxico Burress replica jersey? Of course, because New Yorkers don’t like kicking a guy when he’s down. That is, of course, until the Burress prison replica jerseys come out.

—Will Al Davis discipline coach Tom Cable for allegedly punching out an assistant coach? Hardly. Davis might just double his salary for showing something few other Oakland Raiders have shown in recent years — some spark.

—Is Big Ben in big trouble after being accused of rape in a lawsuit? Doubtful. The good news for Steeler fans is that if Roethlisberger is as aggressive on the field as his attorneys are in the courtroom, the Steelers are locks for a second straight Super Bowl.

—Will the Williams sisters and all the new celebrity part-owners in Miami be a distraction? Only if they start partying with Ricky Williams.

—Does Brandon Marshall understand there’s a new sheriff in town in Denver? Apparently not, but he’s a wide receiver so he probably doesn’t realize that it takes at least three good years and a stint in Dallas to get a big contract and a bad reality TV show of your own.

—What does Chad Ochocinco mean with his new signature phrase “Kiss da baby?” That it’s all over, as in “The Cincinnati Bengals can kiss da baby on this season.”

—What are the chances of the NFL ordering Jerry Jones to raise his video screens when they’re clearly in the way of punted balls? Three words: “Kiss da baby.”

—How is it we get the first update on Tom Brady’s injured shoulder from Ochocinco on Twitter instead of from the Patriots? Because Belichick refuses to even confirm Brady plays for the Patriots.

—Is there any way we get by one week of season without someone mentioning Twitter? In 140 characters or less, no.

Tim Dahlberg is a national sports columnist for The Associated Press. Write to him at tdahlerg(at)ap.org